*Moirai*- Wednesdy, 18, April, 2012

-Moirai-

Bring a smile to my face and

leave my mind in a state of turmoil

 while all along

we are entangled within these strings

connected from me to you

Your grip is tight

and not without intention

at my every move you feel

uniform to the araneae in the night

you can intercept the emotions

that are running their relentless course

throughout my mind 

a reward, the claim, your prize

as my hollow lifeless body is forsaken

with only my thoughts

left for me to unwind

these insidious feelings that you have cast upon me

have held me here and kept me close

all the while I'm left to be

nothing more than morose

but alas my tears have run dry

you have consumed me

and now I know why

I have given my blood to the table

thrown my morals to the wind

and left destiny to the Fates

let's just wait and see

what I've conjured up

what these sacrifices my bring

awaiting the here and now

and what it may be

-Anthony Callas Hudgins

Tuesday 10, April 2012

Today was really something. It seemed to have gone by way to fast. I was able to write a poem and bake a French honey cake for my honeybee, teach and then sit in during a ballet dress rehearsal to give critiques before their performance.

I was so surprised at how little imagination a lot of our teen youth has. When I would give basic images to help them convey the simplest of emotions, they would become wide-eyed, drop-jawed and acted as though I had unlocked the secret of life.

I notice it in a lot of students and young people that I come across, and in some adults as well. Is it that in the age of facebook, craigslist and the smartphone we have become emotionally and romantically vacant? Ever notice how compared to your early youth, you speak less words? Conversations that can become deep and last for hours somehow turn into interrupted broken sentences as your partner goes back and forth between their text messages, facebook surfing and who knows what else.

This even occurs in relationships, which causes besides annoyance and anger, insecurity. Am I wrong? Or is it that I am just an odd person, who would rather look into your eyes and not have the interruption of a beep, and if this beep does decide to sing, would you at least ignore it until I finished my thought?

So yes, I feel the things that have been given to us by technology to make things easier basically set us back a few years or decades in the way of basic human imagination, courtesy and interpersonal interactions.

Why stare at a screen for so long? You can be missing a treasure that is right in front of your eyes, that will give to a lot more than a quick laugh and an instinctual click of the "like" button.

...Frustrated.

-La Callas

New medium, ancient practice

 Thanks to a great love of mine, I have decided to follow his lead and make my own "blog". I know that not many, if any, will read my posts, however this is more for me than for them. 

Keeping a diary has long been a practice in setting ones life to record, as well as for therapeutic means. I intend to use this page for both. 

Many that know me say that I have an outdated way of looking at life, love, well, the world in general. Though I may seem odd or reluctant to accept change by some, all I can say is; This is who I am, always have been, and always will be.

I tend to keep a lot inside and allow it to erupt though my music. Music expresses what words fail to say, and for some, they know how hard it can be for me to put my feelings into words. 

Today was slightly odd. I have been battling with my emotions for a great love I have had for a little over a year now. I am a typewriter, he is the latest updated version of the Mac book. We fail to see eye-to-eye on many many things, yet when our love is "on" it is as great as a wildfire. Things happened that offended and deeply hurt me. Those "things" may be normal and fine for him, and for much of the gay population, however I can't seem to put my mind around understanding and accepting it. I just recently composed for him "Love Letter No. 2", the equal to a love letter I wrote to him almost a year ago in May. I don't think it had an effect on him, soon after it was open and read, it found it's new home under the bed, and probably won't see life again until he moves.

To many my constant attempts to hold on to this guy who "doesn't care about your feelings. If he truly loved you would the same things happen over and over even when he says they're done? You're not enough obviously, maybe you never will be", can be seen weak on my part, perhaps co-dependent or seen as desperate.

The thing is, I am a very strong person, I make up my mind and it is final. I need no one, I've had no one including family for a while. It's just that when I met this person, my entire universe shifted on its axis. Never have a met someone who I have been more annoyed at by their simplistic, often times rude views and ways that they run their life. However, at the same time, never have I felt so completely magnetized to another living being. If my constant running back to him is seen as desperate, co-dependent and self-hurting so be it. I see it as clinging on to whatever I can get a grip on the most perfect love my life has ever found. 

The sad thing is, I make my gestures to show my adoration and devotion, and for that night I am King, but when day comes and we go about our separate days I no longer hear from him like I used to. Unless he chooses to see me again that night. But then I battle with my own feelings, trying to protect myself, not knowing who he is seeing during the day, who is getting his time and affection, then feeling like the last resort to avoid a lonely bed for the night. I can only hope that it's not so, and that my mind is just fleeting.

It's just that every morning after a night with the love of my life, it's like losing him again for the first time. The sadness comes quickly and doesn't leave until he allows me to hold him, just to come back again when we rise to the violet and blue morning. 

 Will I ever know what he truly feels? Will he ever trust in my love enough to finally give me the gift of honest exclusivity?

I want my hearts song to sing of his praises again... Someday.

-Callas

Debussy speaking my hearts longing