Thanks to a great love of mine, I have decided to follow his lead and make my own "blog". I know that not many, if any, will read my posts, however this is more for me than for them.
Keeping a diary has long been a practice in setting ones life to record, as well as for therapeutic means. I intend to use this page for both.
Many that know me say that I have an outdated way of looking at life, love, well, the world in general. Though I may seem odd or reluctant to accept change by some, all I can say is; This is who I am, always have been, and always will be.
I tend to keep a lot inside and allow it to erupt though my music. Music expresses what words fail to say, and for some, they know how hard it can be for me to put my feelings into words.
Today was slightly odd. I have been battling with my emotions for a great love I have had for a little over a year now. I am a typewriter, he is the latest updated version of the Mac book. We fail to see eye-to-eye on many many things, yet when our love is "on" it is as great as a wildfire. Things happened that offended and deeply hurt me. Those "things" may be normal and fine for him, and for much of the gay population, however I can't seem to put my mind around understanding and accepting it. I just recently composed for him "Love Letter No. 2", the equal to a love letter I wrote to him almost a year ago in May. I don't think it had an effect on him, soon after it was open and read, it found it's new home under the bed, and probably won't see life again until he moves.
To many my constant attempts to hold on to this guy who "doesn't care about your feelings. If he truly loved you would the same things happen over and over even when he says they're done? You're not enough obviously, maybe you never will be", can be seen weak on my part, perhaps co-dependent or seen as desperate.
The thing is, I am a very strong person, I make up my mind and it is final. I need no one, I've had no one including family for a while. It's just that when I met this person, my entire universe shifted on its axis. Never have a met someone who I have been more annoyed at by their simplistic, often times rude views and ways that they run their life. However, at the same time, never have I felt so completely magnetized to another living being. If my constant running back to him is seen as desperate, co-dependent and self-hurting so be it. I see it as clinging on to whatever I can get a grip on the most perfect love my life has ever found.
The sad thing is, I make my gestures to show my adoration and devotion, and for that night I am King, but when day comes and we go about our separate days I no longer hear from him like I used to. Unless he chooses to see me again that night. But then I battle with my own feelings, trying to protect myself, not knowing who he is seeing during the day, who is getting his time and affection, then feeling like the last resort to avoid a lonely bed for the night. I can only hope that it's not so, and that my mind is just fleeting.
It's just that every morning after a night with the love of my life, it's like losing him again for the first time. The sadness comes quickly and doesn't leave until he allows me to hold him, just to come back again when we rise to the violet and blue morning.
Will I ever know what he truly feels? Will he ever trust in my love enough to finally give me the gift of honest exclusivity?
I want my hearts song to sing of his praises again... Someday.
-Callas
Debussy speaking my hearts longing
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